**Posted from my Patreon. If you want access to stuff first, try subscribing!
I do this every so often. I write out an apology for my patrons and my friends and my family. I try to explain why I haven’t posted or updated. I try to talk my way out of it. I know that you see me online playing games or posting memes, and in my head I speculate that you think I’m doing well, just distracted or lazy or maybe incompetent.
But I’m having a tough time to be completely candid. I’m very depressed. And I can’t really afford therapy. I’m on a lot of drugs but you know, that’s only half the battle.
I say that every time. And then a week later I post some ridiculous schedule I claim I’m going to stick to this time.
And I fail. And that feels bad too. I’ve let people down with my inattention to my responsibilities, and I’m sorry.
I’ve tried calendars and I’ve tried notebooks, I’ve tried timers and schedules, I’ve tried medication for ADHD, but there’s a shortage and Medi-Cal doesn’t cover it so it’s nearly impossible to get, and prohibitively expensive. I keep throwing myself at the problem.
I’m not posting this because I’ve had a big revelation. I haven’t. I just feel extremely low right now. And I feel like I owe people an explanation.
I know some of you will say “you don’t have to apologize, just get healthy, we’ll be here waiting” or something to that effect, and I appreciate that but I absolutely do have to apologize and to explain. If not for your benefit then for my own.
The best I can say is this is what happens. I post steadily for a month, maybe. And then I fall into some unfathomable depth of executive dysfunction and a relentlessly unmotivated stupor or maybe torpor. My apartment is a wreck. I’m not paying bills. I’m working a ton but not enough. I can barely make myself eat on time, and when I do I overeat. I doubt I’m very fun to be around. I have bursts of social energy that dissipate making me feel lonely and useless. I know people love me, but it’s well documented that with depression it doesn’t always feel like it.
Ultimately I’m sick. And I’m doing my best to try and heal but it is damn hard and the tireless waves of capitalism buffet my sides until I’m battered, and beyond.
None of this is to talk about the OCD, which is severe and genuinely debilitating.
I just wanted to give you guys an idea of what I’m going through. I don’t ‘not’ make art or keep up with projects because I don’t care, or I’m lazy, or I don’t appreciate the support that I receive. I want to be better. I’ve always wanted to be better.
And I’m not going to promise anything right now because I have no solutions. I will only say that I’m going to keep trying.
Making art is the only thing I’ve known. ‘Artist’ is the only identity I’ve ever felt described me completely, and giving that up is tantamount to death.
Similarly, for the benefit of no one but myself I will say this: I haven’t always been good. But I’m trying, and I have been for a long time, to be better. Everyday, better than the last. Every moment I see as a chance to improve. And of course recovery isn’t linear, there’s ups and downs, peaks and valleys. But I’ll keep hiking.
Lastly, thank you. If you’ve even liked my work from a distance, let alone paid money for it, or spoken about it, I deeply appreciate you. I really do. I hope that this hasn’t turned you off of my work, but I understand if it has. I love you all.